I’m back! + I was fighting against disease

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Hello! I was hospitalized for a few weeks after I posted “Temporarily Stop Updating Blog” and concentrated on treatment. Now I’m getting better and treated at home! I still have to go back to the doctor for a follow-up though. I announce that I’m back and write my sick journal today!

I was ready for dead when my doctor told my disease condition. I don’t fear death, what I fear most is that my thoughts on life never leaves. Actually I’ve kept diary for a year using iPhone app “Post Ever“. I’m going to publish some of them and tweets not to forget what I thought when I was fighting against disease.

* I will not release my disease name
** I call my doctor “Sam” but he’s Japanese and of course his real name is not Sam haha

Feb 18
I went to the doctor for a checkup.
I think I’m not sick because it was not when I checked in Vancouver.

Feb 24
I went to the doctor.
He said I’ve got a disease! whaaaat
M worried and called me.

I asked my mom if I got a disease, she would want to know or not.
She was like yes and no.
I don’t wanna tell her because I’m sure she will cry.
hmm… but should I tell her?
I told to M, A and K for now.

I cried a lot today.
It’s been a while to cry this much.
I was thinking if I would die before my mom.

Feb 26
I thought of “Elephant’s back *” and watched it again.
I was impressed when I watched it for the first time but I cried a lot this time because I understand what people who are close to death are thinking.
“Why do I have to go by myself”
“My dear, were you happy with me? I’m worried about it”
“Please forgive me to leave you”

* “Elephant’s back” is Japanese animation and picture book. One day, a father of the elephant was told “The end of life is coming” by the God. After he’s dead, he is watching his family from the top of the sky and talk about a feeling of gratitude to his family.

Feb 28
I’ve got a phone call from M when I was writing an article.
We talked seriously for a long time.
M told that don’t think about it too much, accept whatever happens and thank for being today.
I almost cried but hold it.

Mar 6
I told my mom about my disease.
She was calm.
She went to another room after an explanation.
I think she was crying but trying her best to hold it.
I expected she cried a lot though.
Strength in mom?

I mentioned about it on a Twitter a bit.
Many people were worried about me.
Thanks everyone.

A and K called me.
We cried together.
I’m happy that I have friends who cry for me.

Mar 12
M told me everything is gonna be ok because I’m strong so I said I’m not that strong, then M said “Well, but you’re not so weak… so… oh! normal! you’re normal! So should be fine!!” with a serious look. WTH lol
And M repeated we would never change a bit no matter what happened.

Mar 14
I went to the doctor to know the results.
It wasn’t good as I expected and I will be with high probability of remaining disabled after surgery.
But good thing is I’ve got tons of cheerful messages when I told about my disease on my blog.
I’m sooo happy! I’m supported by lots of people!
There are some people who changed their lives when they see my blog!

Mar 16
I’ll say good-bye to my body soon.
I’m scared.
But M told “So what? You won’t change anything!”
Be strong, not to hurt anyone by my weakness.

( … I couldn’t keep a diary for a few days …)

Apr 5
My condition was suddenly changed and I’ve got a checkup by Sam at 10pm.
What? Is he still working?
A doctor is so busy.
I’m put on a drip.
I had a fever of 39 degrees but getting better by medicine.

Apr 6
So many people are working to help one person in a hospital.
That is amazing.
There are lots of things that I can see when I get into the new world.
When I’ve got a disease this time, I realized how many people thoughts of me, depth of life, the miracle of breathing, eating and walking.
I know as much about the preciousness of life and healthy.
There are indeed something that I can’t see unless I’ve got sick.
I understand how important the life and healthy more than other people.
I take a toll on my body but this experience will help in the future.
There is nothing wasted about our lives.

Apr 7
I’ve got my blood drawn and infused at 6 am.
The morning came with pain as always.
After that Sam hurt me a lot when he checked my condition.
Excruciating pain! I cried a lot!
How come they didn’t anesthetize!?
I also cried for that I hadn’t have to feel like this if wouldn’t come to the doctor.
Am I stressful these days?
Frustrating and emotional…

I show my weakness to R by email.
R replied “I’ll visit you next week!”
I’m gonna cry…
Hang in Mana, hang in…

Apr 11
I’m glad to get lots of cheerful tweets!

Apr 18
M cheered me on by speaking in tongues “Surgical scars are just like distorted tattoo eh? You don’t have to care about it.”. I was glad anyways.

May 2
Dizzy, nauseous and thirsty.
I lost my weight about 1 kg for one day.

May 3
I can’t eat anything.
When will I get well?!

May 5
I’m fine, I’m fine.
I don’t know what “fine” is already.
I could eat a bit so maybe I’m fine.

May 6
M came to my home and we went for a drive.
We enjoyed talking.
M didn’t try to be nice, just natural self.
I also could be my natural self.

I’m still recovering but getting well soon!

My best friends who I’ve been with for years, friends who I laughed a lot with overseas, blog readers, and my loving family. I could fight with support and encouragement from many people! I lost many things and am limited in activities of daily living, however I noticed important things at the same time. I’m proud of myself who can think that way and thank for all people who made me think like that.

It takes a long time to completely heal but I won’t forget what I feel and face my disease!

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